Chapter 100: The Most Effective Emetic Potion

Chapter 100: The Most Effective Emetic Potion

After concluding that Zhao Yunrang’s family pride—their garden—would turn into a wasteland within a year, Tie Xinyuan felt much lighter in spirit. Originally planning to return early, he was held back by Tang Tang’s relentless grip, so he reluctantly accompanied her in sampling the various fruits of the Zhao household.

“These grapes were stored in their ice cellar since August and only taken out now. Out of a hundred clusters, not one is still good. Count them: you alone just ate over a hundred. If this were August, you’d have easily eaten over ten pounds.”

As Tie Xinyuan stuffed pomegranate seeds into his mouth, he scolded Tang Tang, who, despite being unable to swallow more, continued ravenously devouring grapes—this child knew no sense of fullness.

“My stomach hurts!” Tang Tang finally paid the price for her gluttony. Her face turned pale, tiny beads of sweat the size of soybeans dripped down, and the sight terrified Tie Xinyuan into a loud, pig-like howl.

Su Mei, deep in a pleasant conversation with Liu Sanbian, was startled by Tie Xinyuan’s savage cries. She quickly approached, curious about what had happened to that mischievous girl.

Zhao Zongpu was the first to arrive. Seeing Tie Xinyuan supporting the trembling Tang Tang against his back, he hurriedly lifted her onto the embroidered couch and ordered the maid to fetch a doctor immediately.

Su Mei, holding Tie Xinyuan by the arm, scolded, “Why is it that wherever you go, trouble follows? What have you done to that chubby little girl?”

Tie Xinyuan, fiery with anger, lowered his voice and yelled, “You already said she’s a chubby little girl! What do you think I could possibly do to her?”

Su Mei noticed Lady Wang Jin, the ninth daughter of the Wang family, was so frightened she was in tears, only cradling Tang Tang and asking where she felt unwell, yet utterly clueless about what to do.

Hearing the commotion, Liu Yong, holding a wine cup, also came over. He opened Tang Tang’s tightly shut eyes, then grasped her wrist to take her pulse. “Indigestion. She just needs to vomit it all out.”

He then reached with his grimy hands to provoke Tang Tang’s gag reflex. Tang Tang, like Tie Xinyuan, loved food but valued cleanliness. Knowing Liu Yong was trying to help, she still refused to let his dirty hands touch her mouth.

The Zhao family physician arrived and repeated Liu Yong’s diagnosis. Bowing to Zhao Zongpu, he said, “As Master Liu said, the young lady has eaten too much fruit, causing coldness to take hold. An emetic will cure her. I shall prepare the potion immediately.”

“What is an emetic potion?” Even in great pain, Tang Tang did not forget to ask what would be forced into her stomach.

Tie Xinyuan expressionlessly said, “Golden juice.”

“What is golden juice?”

“Fecal water.”

The moment Tie Xinyuan uttered those words, Tang Tang’s face turned pale, her chest heaved, and she erupted into uncontrollable vomiting. All the food she had just eaten came up again.

When Tang Tang began spraying clear water from her mouth and nose, the doctor checked her pulse and laughed, “Just two more times and she’ll be fine.”

Liu Yong waved his goose-feather fan at Tie Xinyuan. “This young man’s words act as an emetic in themselves—quite unique. Medicine always has its poisons, so spare this young lady the potion. Please, young sir, continue to help her vomit.”

Su Mei frowned, about to protest, but Tie Xinyuan stopped her. Looking at Liu Yong, he said, “You must know the emperor once warned me using you as an example.”

Liu Yong smiled and nodded. “Indeed. I, Liu Yong, studied diligently through ten harsh years, grinding my iron inkstone until it wore thin before passing the imperial exam. Who would have thought that a single line, ‘Endure fleeting fame for gentle tunes,’ would ruin my bright future? Whoever endured such a fate would suffer. I thought if I just endured a few more years, the emperor would forget, but then you, the prodigy of ‘Ode to the Frog,’ appeared. The emperor used me as a cautionary tale—Liu Yong’s official career is forever doomed.”

Tie Xinyuan chuckled. “So you look down on practical learning?”

Liu Yong laughed, “Zhao Pu said half of the Analects could govern the world, but I don’t believe it. Even the late emperor’s ‘Encouragement to Study’ poem isn’t necessarily right. Since young master has been personally advised by the emperor, why not continue to use words as medicine to empty this young lady’s stomach for a speedy recovery?”

Su Mei interjected, “Sir, you are a remarkable man, why trouble a child? Judging history is fine, but you were too frivolous. Others dream of fame and rank; you chose to exchange that for soft songs—a great disrespect to the royal family. Since the dynasty began, selecting officials has been the empire’s fundamental task, whether ruled by a wise or foolish monarch. They all hope their chosen ministers take pride in their posts. You scorned the imperial examination; the emperor only erased your official title but granted you the life you desired—a great mercy. The court loses an official, but the people gain a genius. You surely understand the tradeoff. If you still yearn for office but cannot resist the pleasures of the pleasure houses, you risk being two-faced.”

Liu Yong, ever magnanimous, bowed and said, “Madam Su speaks truly. I am frivolous by nature; even as an official, I could not pass the Censorate. It is better to continue my gentle songs in the pleasure houses.” Then he bowed to Zhao Zongpu. “The heir’s defense humbles me. Yet fame is but a fleeting illusion. I have composed my three poems; allow me to take my leave and drown my sorrows in drunkenness, perhaps to ease my guilt toward my parents and family.”

Zhao Zongpu smiled, “Sir, do not despair. The emperor’s wrath is but temporary. He resents your disregard for this rare chance. This penalty is slight and temporary; once his anger fades, you will have your path again.”

Liu Yong straightened his slightly stooped back and gazed sorrowfully at the withering lotus in the pond. “I have lived in the capital over ten years, watching these evergreen lotuses for six. Now, even with warm springs protecting them, they wither. How many more years can a wandering man like me thrive? If I do not return soon, I may die here. Should I leave now, I would reach Wuyi Mountain just in time for the rice blossoms, and perhaps enjoy a meal of new rice…”

Tie Xinyuan gently patted Tang Tang’s back. The little girl, severely punished by her own greed, finally stopped vomiting. Her round face was deathly pale, seemingly shrunk by a size.

“Remember those two beggars we saw last Lantern Festival in front of my shop?” Tie Xinyuan, annoyed to see everyone lost in Liu Yong’s melancholy, reminded them there was still a sick child here. “I saw them fighting over something in a chamber pot. You didn’t tell me what it was then—now, do you want to?”

“Yeah, since you’re sick today, I’ll tell you to cheer you up,” he added.

Tang Tang forced a smile. “I’ll never call you a mischievous monkey again, and you can’t call me chubby girl.”

Tie Xinyuan laughed, “Of course.”

Supporting herself to sit up, Tang Tang urged, “Well, hurry up and tell me. I’ve wanted to know what those beggars were doing, and why Auntie looked so upset after seeing them.”

“They were fighting over food to eat.”

“Food in a chamber pot?” Tang Tang’s face paled further.

“No, it was vomit from a customer who had just eaten pork at my place…”

“Ugh!” Tang Tang’s nausea returned.

“One beggar kept biting on a shiny piece that he couldn’t break off, while the other wolfed the rest down. Seeing them reduced to eating vomit was pitiful enough that I wanted to give them chopsticks—to eat faster, you know. But…”

Tang Tang struggled to spit out a mouthful of clear water. “But what?”

Tie Xinyuan sighed. “When I got closer, I realized the shiny thing he was biting was a thick phlegm…”

“Ugh!” Clear water sprayed uncontrollably from Tang Tang’s mouth and nose.

“Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh…”

The noble ladies who had been sharing Liu Yong’s sorrow could no longer bear such a grim story. Without exception, they all vomited violently. Even the strongest, Zhao Zongpu and Liu Yong, turned pale.

Tie Xinyuan pointed at the chamber pot contents Tang Tang had just vomited. “They were eating the same kind of thing as this…”

Zhao Zongpu barely had time to turn his head before he spat up a mouthful of filth into the lotus pond. Liu Yong began convulsing from vomiting.

The scene was a disaster, reeking of acidic vomit everywhere.

By noon, the banquet was irreparably ruined by Tie Xinyuan’s little story. After changing his clothes, Su Mei sat drowsily in the carriage as they quietly headed to Bolo Alley.

Zhao Zongshi appeared from nowhere, holding the woman whose mouth still had a trace of drool. He coldly glanced at the chaotic scene and laughed, “Not bad, kid. One joke and you ruined Second Brother’s banquet.”

The woman stared dazedly, weaving through the filth. “Why didn’t you vomit?”

Zhao Zongshi smiled, “I’ve seen things more disgusting than this story before…”

After fully clearing her stomach, the woman looked at him in amazement. “There’s something worse than this?”

Zhao Zongshi laughed. “Yes, I’ve seen plenty worse. Red Maiden, prepare yourself—you might soon see it too…”

(To be continued.)