Volume 1, Chapter 10: To Her, Existence Was Too Great a Burden
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At the Princess’s Residence.
The young heir, blessed with strikingly handsome features and a bright, ardent presence, sat before a table, idly turning a wooden hairpin in his hand. Bamboo leaves had been carved into it, though both its workmanship and texture were crude and cheap.
He placed the hairpin on the table. The tabletop was crowded with all manner of precious things, making his wooden pin look utterly insignificant among them.
“Tell me—which of these do you think would please her most?”
The servants and maids beside him exchanged several uneasy glances.
One maid ventured timidly, “If this servant may be so bold, I think Miss Xie’s temperament is gentle and pure, yet steadfast as emerald bamboo. Perhaps this green-jade hairpin patterned with clouds would suit her.”
“I disagree,” another servant said. “This eight-treasure glazed cup is a novel object the heir obtained from Western merchants. Miss Xie has surely never seen one before. If Your Lordship used it to win her favor, she would certainly be interested.”
Xu Huaiyang half raised his eyelids and looked toward those who had remained silent.
“What do the rest of you think?”
“This servant thinks it is the nine-turn iris hairpin…”
“In my view, it is this rouge…”
“I think it should be clothing…”
Xu Huaiyang picked up his wooden hairpin and slammed it onto the table, casting a sidelong glance at the servants before him.
“Have I spoiled you all so much that none of you can read my mood anymore?”
The servants lowered their heads and dared not speak.
It was not that they could not read his mood. The wooden hairpin was simply too ugly.
Not only was it ugly, but the wood itself was nothing fine—merely boxwood, common enough to be found anywhere.
A hairpin like that could not be worn outside even by an ordinary commoner, let alone by a noble young lady of the capital.
If the heir truly gave it to Miss Xie and displeased her, he would certainly return and settle accounts with them.
Better to think of his interests from the start than face punishment afterward.
“My lord…”
Ping’an, the servant who had accompanied Xu Huaiyang since childhood, spoke up with a tremble in his voice.
“If you wish to give Miss Xie something, perhaps you should simply ask her what she likes. That way, you will not accidentally give her something she dislikes and make her angry.”
“Do I need to ask her permission before giving her something? Whatever I give her, she will accept.”
Xu Huaiyang tucked the wooden hairpin into his robe, rose, and strode toward the door.
Ping’an hurried after him. “My lord, are you leaving the residence? Shall this servant prepare a horse?”
“Do I need to report where I am going to you?”
Ping’an immediately fell silent and obediently followed behind him.
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It was not until he saw the heir ride off in the direction of the Xie Residence that Ping’an suddenly understood.
The heir had gone to ask Miss Xie what she liked.
When they reached a street near the Prime Minister’s Residence, Xu Huaiyang stopped.
He turned to look at Ping’an behind him. “The Lantern Festival is the day after tomorrow, and I have already asked her to view the lanterns with me. Would it be too much if I went to see her again today?”
Ping’an paused before reminding him, “My lord, whether we can even see Miss Xie is still uncertain. After Old Madam Xie passed away, Miss Xie voluntarily went to a convent to pray before the Buddha. She has lived in seclusion these past three years, and very few people have seen her.”
“We may not be able to see her even if we go.”
Xu Huaiyang had heard about this long ago. He replied, “If I cannot see her through the main gate, can I not see her by climbing over the wall?”
He had come today determined to scale the wall into the rear courtyard of the Xie Residence.
No matter what, he was going to see Xie Jiaoyue today.
It had been bearable not to see her during his three years on the northwestern frontier. But now that he had returned, he could not possibly keep waiting and fretting until lice began crawling over him.
Xu Huaiyang led his horse toward the rear gate of the Prime Minister’s Residence. From a distance, he saw a plainly made carriage standing outside it.
He frowned. Which impoverished relative of the Prime Minister’s family had come to sponge off them?
A carriage that crude was fit only for the maids and old serving women of the residence. None of them would dare park it at the rear gate of the Prime Minister’s Residence.
Anyone who could leave such a carriage there had to be some poor relation.
Just as Xu Huaiyang was about to see which poor relation it was, a figure emerged from the rear gate.
The woman wore a veiled hat that concealed most of her body and was dressed in pale green.
Xu Huaiyang could not see her face and naturally had no idea who she was.
Standing at a distance with his horse, he watched as the woman was helped into the carriage. Before long, it disappeared from his sight.
Xu Huaiyang lifted his eyes toward the Prime Minister’s Residence’s high walls, but he did not give the figure another thought. His mind was occupied with how he would climb over the wall and find the woman he loved.
…
Inside the carriage.
Xie Jiaoyue seemed to sense something and suddenly glanced toward the rear of the carriage.
She herself did not know what she was looking for. She could see nothing clearly and did not notice the young man standing in the distance with his horse.
Suddenly, she lifted the curtain, wanting to see the streets outside, wanting to see the crowds moving to and fro.
She heard peddlers calling out their wares and children laughing. The ceaseless roar of human voices, surging like a tide, flowed into Xie Jiaoyue’s ears.
She wanted to see them—wanted to see how these people lived.
They lived with such vividness and clamor.
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Why, then, had she made such a complete mess of her own life?
A wrinkled hand pressed down over hers.
“Miss, you mustn’t.”
Nanny Li said, “Without Madam’s permission, this old servant does not dare let you speak with or look upon the people outside.”
It seemed that even meeting someone’s gaze had become a difficult thing for her.
Xie Jiaoyue slowly withdrew her hand and slowly closed her eyes.
She listened with exquisite attention. She heard children calling for their mothers, husbands calling for their wives, and the barking of a little dog by the bridge.
It was exactly like the Jiangnan of her imagination.
Flowers bloomed along the branches, while spring stirred in the air. Nothing was more beautiful than the third month of spring in this mortal world.
She had never made it to Jiangnan, so she would simply take what she heard today as Jiangnan.
After death, when she saw her grandmother, she could tell her all about Jiangnan’s lively beauty.
“Miss, your hands are so cold.”
Zhiqiu clasped her hand tightly, trying to pass the warmth of her own fingers to her.
Xie Jiaoyue silently pulled her hand away. “It is nothing. I am used to it.”
Nanny Li sighed beside them. “This carriage is terribly drafty. The wind is cold. Miss, you should let her warm your hands.”
Nanny Li continued, “Madam had intended to let you use Fourth Miss’s carriage, but who could have known that Fourth Miss’s carriage would break down a few days ago?”
“Third Miss has a carriage as well, but it took the young master to school today and has not yet returned. There was no other carriage available on such short notice, so you and this old servant will have to make do in the same one.”
“It is all right.”
She did not feel wronged.
She only felt desperate to return home.
She did not care why the vast Prime Minister’s Residence could not spare a single carriage. She did not care whether this carriage belonged to the servants or the masters. She wanted only to kneel before her grandmother, bow her head three times, and personally beg her forgiveness.
There was nothing she could do to dispel the resentment the people of the residence held toward her, nor could she cleanse the disgrace that incident had become in their eyes.
It seemed that only her death could erase the stain that incident had splashed across the plaque of the Prime Minister’s Residence.
If she died, they would be able to forget it all.
For that, she was willing to die.
Living had become too exhausting for her.
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